Frequently Asked Questions

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What is the difference between domestic abuse, domestic violence and intimate partner violence?

The terms are synonymous - they all refer to the same thing: A pattern of abusive behaviour in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another partner. 

“Domestic violence” or “domestic abuse” is a term that can sometimes evoke the traditional view that violence within a relationship is only applicable in a marriage. But as research and societal views have expanded, we now understand that there are many types of intimate relationships outside of traditional marriage. 

That’s why the term “intimate partner violence” is used sometimes - it can help encompass a broader understanding and recognition of violence in various relationships.
 

What are the warning signs of domestic abuse?

Because domestic violence is any form of power and control, this can make it hard to recognize, even for the person being abused. 

Abusers use tactics to gain and keep control, and want their partner to comply with their demands such as catering to them, being subservient or submissive to them, and keeping their partners life centred around the abuser. 

Warning signs might include when a partner:

• Pressures you to move fast in a relationship or pushes for immediate commitment

• Monitors your communications, expects you to give them your passwords, or checks your phone

• Believes in stereotypical gender roles and/or male supremacy

• Is jealous and possessive

• Isolates you from your friends and family

• Tries to persuade you not to have a job

• Has two sides to their personality—others see them as a good person, but they’re angry and aggressive with you in private

• They do not take responsibility for their actions and blame others for everything that goes wrong

• Experiences most emotions in the form of anger and has difficulty conveying other emotions

• Has a violent temper and quickly changes moods

• Is cruel to animals or children and is insensitive to their suffering

• Monitors your whereabouts, activities or spending

• Won’t listen to you when you say "no" or try to assert your boundaries ​​
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Why is it so hard to leave an abuser, and why do most victims return to their abuser?

It’s rare that a survivor can “just leave” when it comes to domestic violence for many reasons. 

Fear is real in domestic violence and a daily reality for victims. Abusers who have already established a pattern of fear, control, intimidation and power over a victim will often escalate their behavior and attempting to leave is when victims are most at risk. 

Abusers are master manipulators and their abuse generally occurs in a cycle:

1. The “honeymoon phase” where the abuser is sweet, charming and loving

2. Tension builds where the abuser begins to slip back into anger, aggression and other abusive behaviors and;

3. The violent incident; this can be an explosive outburst of emotional and verbal abuse, escalating to threats of harm, or actual physical violence

After the third phase of the cycle, abusers will rotate back to the “honeymoon phase,” often showing remorse and promising to be better. While not all domestic violence follows this cycle, the goal for abusers is to manipulate their victims into believing that things will be different and that the abuse will stop. 
There are many barriers to escaping domestic violence. A few are:

• The vast majority of domestic violence cases also include financial abuse where the abuser has control over the victim’s money, leaving the victim without means of escape or a way to support themselves or their children

• Threats of harm to the victim, children, pets and family members

• Shame and embarrassment

• Victims can have a difficult time being believed by people they know because of how an abuser wants to be perceived. Abusers work to cultivate a pleasant outward mask, often hiding violence and abuse behind closed doors which can make it harder for people to believe they’re abusive

• Low self-esteem leading the victim to believe they “deserve” the abuse

• The victims have built up a tolerance for the violent and abusive behaviour. "Little" things that they looked past at the onset of the relationship have slowly become part of their normal routine and overtime they don't feel as shocking or unusual anymore

• Fear of abuse escalating and the abuser retaliating

• Children are another barrier in escaping violence and the worries about what is best for their children. Abusers will commonly use children as tools of control by threatening victims with harming or taking their kids, or making it so the victim will never see their children again 

• The abuser is a member of law enforcement

• Isolation is also extremely common where the abuser restricts access to family, friends, community and other avenues of support​

• Pressure from family not to leave a marriage or who don’t believe the survivor
   

How are children affected by domestic violence and how to recognize abuse in children?
"100% of children exposed to domestic violence are affected by it. Find a domestic violence situation with kids in the home and you've found children suffering from trauma" says Brian F. Martin, founder of the non-profit Childhood Domestic Violence Association. In households where an abuser commits domestic violence in the presence of the children, those children face an increased likelihood of physical harm or even death. CDV (childhood domestic violence) signs can arise differently as a child ages and can often be mistaken for ADHD. Some common signs are:

• Infants: Decreased responsiveness, fussiness, trouble eating and sleeping

• Pre-Schoolers: Aggression, behaviour problems, frequent bed wetting, isolating themselves from peers, feeling unsafe, suffering from separation anxiety, bad dreams, self-blame and lower verbal skills

• Grade Schoolers: Aggression, frequent outbursts. bullying others, frequent bed wetting, poor quality peer relationships, emotionally withdrawn, fear, emotional responses not matching the situation, lower verbal skills and reading levels

• Adolescents: Dating violence, bullying, use of drugs or abusing alcohol, early sexual activity, emotionally withdrawn or detached, frequent health complaints, short attention span, lower verbal skills, and difficulty trusting others

What does the law say about domestic violence?
Criminal and civil law offers important protections for individuals who are experiencing domestic violence. In Alberta, under Clare's Law, a person can request information about their spouse's history if they have a reason to believe their spouse has a history of violence in relationships. 
If an assault has taken place and is reported, the police will investigate the crime. Where they have power of arrest, they will normally arrest the suspect. Where there is enough evidence, and if prosecution is in the public interest, the person who committed the assault will be prosecuted.

How can I gather evidence?
Wherever possible, the police can use evidence such as videos, photos, and messages you have saved. In the event that there is physical violence, supporting documents such as medical records, and a timeline of photos can be extremely helpful. A photo timeline may include a photo on the date of the incident, and successive days when the swelling starts, or bruises show. If there is physical assault and you decide not to seek medical attention, consider that there may not be evidence in the form of a medical record. 
Other evidence the police can use is photos or videos of the "scene", for example, if items were broken or thrown which can support your version of events. 
The police cannot choose sides, so it becomes a "he said / she said" situation without independent evidence. It's never too late to report the incident to the police, and you can do so days, weeks, or months later. 
All of this said, do not wait until you have physical injury to call the police. Even if charges aren't laid, there would still be a report documenting the incident which can help support your claim in Family or Criminal court. 
 

What if I’m not ready to leave my home and/or my partner?
If you are experiencing domestic violence, but are not ready to leave your abuser, focus on making a safety plan. This is especially important if you are concerned that the abuse may escalate. Proactive steps in your safety plan should include having a phone accessible at all times (or trying to) or know where the nearest public phone is located. Know what numbers to call for help, and let a trusted friend or family know about your situation. You can plan by making a list of what items you want to bring with you when you are ready to leave such as birth certificates, medication, insurance or comfort items. Be prepared for the possibility that you may not be able to return for the rest of your belongings. 
 

What are the some of the common misconceptions about abuse?

1. Domestic violence is rare and unusual: 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 7 men will experience relationship violence in their lives. 

2. It's impossible to love someone who abuses you: Often, abusers start off as charismatic, kind and loving, and can still have good moments even after they introduce abusive tendencies or violent acts. Many times, survivors of domestic violence still see a glimpse of the person they fell in love with.

3. Domestic violence only happens when someone is angry and out of control: It's not always a person flying into a fit of rage. It's a pattern of behaviour in which one repeatedly exerts power and control over another individual. "Out of control" is far from accurate -  the abuser is in complete control. They have carefully thought out strategies and implement them time and time again. 

4. Domestic violence is always physical: Yes, abuse can be physical, but it can also be emotional, financial, psychological, verbal, sexual, and often escalates to encompass many forms. 

5. It's obvious and easy to leave the relationship if someone abuses you: A multitude of factors come into play when deciding to leave an abusive relationship. A survivor may be economically dependent on their abusive partner, especially if they have children, the abusive partner is probably not abusive at every moment of the day, and there is legitimate fear that trying to leave their partner will lead to more violence. Women in relationships with abusers are most at risk when they try to leave. 

6. Domestic violence only happens to women who are underprivileged, dependent or uneducated: Domestic violence does not discriminate based on socioeconomic class, race, geographic region or education level, however, economics can play a role. Underprivileged women tend to be more vulnerable to abuse and less likely to have the means to leave, and abusers routinely sabotage their partners' economic stability to keep them dependent. 

7. Physical abuse is worse than emotional abuse: No one form of violence is worse than another. The impacts of physical and emotional abuse are equally as devastating and harmful. Studies suggest that there is a relationship between intimate partner violence and depression, suicidal behavior, and long term psychological effects.​

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Am I a victim or a survivor of domestic violence?

Some people prefer to consider themselves survivors to show how they got through the danger and trauma of abuse, while others use the term “victim” to emphasize how domestic violence is a crime, that perpetrators are criminals, and that as victims, they are continually harmed and retraumatized.

I'm unable to directly support someone I know is experiencing domestic abuse. How can I help in other ways?
Visit the "How to Help" page for a list of ways to support.

Where can I find more information regarding domestic violence resources in Alberta?
Find additional resources and my references here. 

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